Sunday, 23 January 2005

• This is so frustrating; I mean I need to get over this home sickness real fast. I am sick of thinking about what I am missing and being depressed. All said and done this is a decision I made in March 2003, and I need to back this decision, I need to forget it all, and work hard as possible, make as much money as possible and then think about things such as returning back.

   

  After all with what face can I return back now, I have not achieved anything. I haven’t made the kind of money one who goes abroad is expected to. I8 am yet a student, not a pro in the industry.

  I am being happy with mediocre – yes that is the issue here, I am being satisfied with something which isn’t good enough. This fall sense of security of having achieved something makes me have thoughts of returning back to India fast, when I have no business even thinking so until I achieve something noteworthy.  Mediocre isn’t good enough, excellence is the key.

   

              I feel so useless, like the scum of this earth, here I am at 23 still partially dependent on parents, and I am thinking of comforts already. This has to end, this semester I am going to push myself to the edge. I don’t care. I have to achieve something, actually become successful, I should work so hard I forget about all the rubbish in my life --- forget about my failed romance, forget about my horrible appearance, forget about people’s reactions in Bangalore, forget all … just forget ….

   

              Lat 2 semesters were good and ok, this semester is going to be excellent, I should make sure this happens no matter what, get an internship here for summer and then I can come home for a 15 day sabbatical with some dignity, with some face to show.

   

              What was I even thinking when I thought about the Infosys internship, if I so wanted to work there- I was offered the job in Dec 2003, I didn’t take it then and I want to take it now…..despicable……no this should change……the next 5 months I am going to set USC on fire……I’ll make sure when I come back home to Bangalore in Aug 2005, I have achieved something. And then maybe I can consider things such as Infosys internships………………………….

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