This is so frustrating; I mean I need to get over this home sickness real fast. I am sick of thinking about what I am missing and being depressed. All said and done this is a decision I made in March 2003, and I need to back this decision, I need to forget it all, and work hard as possible, make as much money as possible and then think about things such as returning back.

After all with what face can I return back now, I have not achieved anything. I haven’t made the kind of money one who goes abroad is expected to. I8 am yet a student, not a pro in the industry.

I am being happy with mediocre – yes that is the issue here, I am being satisfied with something which isn’t good enough. This fall sense of security of having achieved something makes me have thoughts of returning back to India fast, when I have no business even thinking so until I achieve something noteworthy.  Mediocre isn’t good enough, excellence is the key.

            I feel so useless, like the scum of this earth, here I am at 23 still partially dependent on parents, and I am thinking of comforts already. This has to end, this semester I am going to push myself to the edge. I don’t care. I have to achieve something, actually become successful, I should work so hard I forget about all the rubbish in my life --- forget about my failed romance, forget about my horrible appearance, forget about people’s reactions in Bangalore, forget all … just forget ….

            Lat 2 semesters were good and ok, this semester is going to be excellent, I should make sure this happens no matter what, get an internship here for summer and then I can come home for a 15 day sabbatical with some dignity, with some face to show.

            What was I even thinking when I thought about the Infosys internship, if I so wanted to work there- I was offered the job in Dec 2003, I didn’t take it then and I want to take it now…..despicable……no this should change……the next 5 months I am going to set USC on fire……I’ll make sure when I come back home to Bangalore in Aug 2005, I have achieved something. And then maybe I can consider things such as Infosys internships………………………….

A million mridangams pounded, as my heart leapt and swirled to the music of the cosmos. And for 17 ecstatic days, all of eternity danced with me.

(A corruption of an ad line promoting tourism in India, Source – In flight magazine on the trip back.)

That one line describes my trip to Bangalore, arguably the best city in the world. (sorry for any trace for jingoism.)

            As we taxied down the Shivaji International Terminal in Bombay, I couldn’t help feeling sad, at what I will be missing out on in the next few months.

            I guess there are some things which can not be answered using cold logic. Los Angeles is supposed to be a dream city, a fast paced city – the city where the term road-rage originated, one of the cities in the original ‘Silicon Valley’.

Career wise and the kind of stuff you get to work on is awesome, but I learnt in the last one year that that is not the most important thing in life. Last year was a great year as far as my career goes, the best year of academics in my life---- yet I wasn’t  too happy --- there is always a certain emptiness in you --- and the trip to Bangalore was awesome in that respect that it filled that emptiness.

You see Academics/Career don’t matter too much, people are more important, friendships are more important, love is more important …………

As I type this out in the flight, I am 4000 kilometers from Bombay, somewhere over the Black Sea, the GPS claims. I remember the excitement in me when I was coming down, now that excitement isn’t there—it is like I came to Bangalore because I love the place and all of you people---- but now when I go back, it is more like, I need to do this, more out of necessity/ambition.

The trip to Bangalore was an excellent one, it was one hell of a ride, and it was 200 % better than I expected it to be --- you see Bangalore rocks…… more importantly you guys rock…

Thanks people for taking time out and spending time, I really appreciate it…… you folks are the best. They say that one is blessed if one has one true friend….. I am blessed to have so many of you -------- you people are the greatest -------

See you people soon. Bye. Take Care.

            Vasanth Krishna Namasivayam